For sustainable confidence to be resilient in the face of challenges and changes, we need to do two things. First, identify what the challenge is and second, turn it into something where we can ask these questions: “How can I manage this with confidence? What can I do to feel more confident here?”. A recent example is a friend of mine, Elena, who had her horse started by a very good horseman, and rode happily when on the handover workshop but then got home and realised she was very worried about her horse’s reactions to her now she was alone. While she was focused on the worry and what she hadn’t got control of (e.g. I have no instructor here, no one to help me if things go wrong, I can’t control my horse’s excitement and energy) she felt horrible and ‘stuck’. When she refocused and asked herself, “Well, I know all that but what can I do to feel more confident here?”, she came up with several answers including:
I can do a few days of groundwork in the arena and field to just remind myself that I can do things by myself.
I can make a point of sticking to the plans I make—that will help my unconscious to trust me.
I can do a lot of saddling and mounting practice with a lot of on and off so I can prove to myself my horse is ok with me on him.
I can break things down and do them small steps at a time and check I am below a 5 at each stage on my Confidence Score and check my horse is below a 5 at each stage too.
I can use patterns to help us both relax make things predictable but with a few obstacles now and then to keep him interested.
Here’s what she said after this conversation:
“Once I had a list of things I could do to stay confident, it was like a weight lifting off my shoulders. Instead of focusing on what I couldn’t do, I had stacks of things I could do and that changed things completely! Since this discussion I have been making huge progress in my confidence and Hannibal and I are back to where we were at the handover workshop, but we are doing it ourselves.”
We can’t always change the facts—what we can change is what we do about the facts.
What do you notice about it?
The main issues are about feeling inadequate, being seen as a fool or as stupid.
Further discussion revealed that Anna had developed a case of “imposter syndrome” – she believed she had achieved her current quite senior position through luck rather than skill, and now was thinking it was only a matter of time before she was “found out”. This happens to a lot of us who work our way up in a company and gain promotions through experience. As newer people come in with different experiences and/or formal qualifications we feel they are more qualified than us.
One of the keys to this was that her nerves were worse when her Manager was in the audience. In reality, your Manager should be your biggest supporter, and has as much invested in your success as you do. Seeing your Manager in the audience is a great boost for most people, it’s like having a safety net, one person 100% on your team. This was not how Anna was feeling.
Once Anna realised this, she felt a huge sense of relief. Now instead of having an “irrational fear that was growing out of control” she had a name for what was bothering her – and we could work on it.
Anna worked through the IDEAS process next, and identified three key action steps to take. First, she decided to do a formal Project Management qualification. This was not just for the validation it would give her, but also to ensure she was up to date with the latest technology and thinking in the field. Second, she planned a meeting with her Manager to talk openly and honestly about how she was feeling, and her plans for moving forward. In fact, when she had this meeting her Manager was totally surprised by her feelings, impressed by her planning and 100% supportive of her proposals. Thirdly, she decided to follow up on her coaching with becoming a Confidence Coach herself! Having seen the value it gave her, she wanted to be able to help others in her situation.